8 years

8 years ago today I saw my first son for the first time.  I could never have imagined the impact such a small, helpless child - who would only live for  4 days - could make.  He continues to change my life. 

I began learning to play the guitar just before Nathan was born.  In the weeks following his funeral, I took the 4 chords I knew and wrote countless songs. They just poured out of me.  It was part of the grief process I guess. I can't remember much about those songs now, but one night about 6 months after Nathan died, I pressed record and started to sing and play.  For some reason today I've been thinking about one particular song called "Still With Me,"  As I recall, the words and tune just came out as I was recording - it was kind of weird "one take" experience.  The recording, tune, talent and emotion are all pretty raw.  You can listen to it, but for those of you heard me sing, you'll want to just stick with the lyrics :)   I offer them as a gentle reminder of the mysterious, redeeming and transforming possibilities that lie inside our deepest hurts.

the hand of time obscures the light
and I'm afraid
of what will be lost
of what will gained
if these memories fade
deep inside beats a broken heart
and I am sure
that until I die
until we meet again
there can be no cure

still with me
every move I make
every breath I take
still with me
all that I have left
has become one with you
still with me

the hand of time obscures the light
but I can see
beyond the shadow
beyond my sight
a glimpse of who I can be
the seasons change to bring new life
and so I'll go
until the end
until we meet again
but I want you know

still with me
every move I make
every breath I take
still with me
all that I have left
has become one with you
still with me

from the deepest sea
in the darkest night
we'll meet on the shore
in the morning light

still with me
every move I make
every breath I take
still with me
all that I have left
has become one with you
still with me

Download still_with_me.mp3

It's been a tough day today for Rebecca and I.  Our first anniversary of Nathan's birth with no grave to go.  It's weird how grief works.  We were bothed moved to have Brenda and Heather go out to visit the grave in Yellowknife and call us from there.  We have such thoughtful friends (Heather, Brenda, Roseanne, Carita and others). 

Comments

Beautiful. Thanks for sharing this Steve. The memories have been rolling around in my head and heart all day long. Sending you lots of love and prayers.

Heather

thanks for sharing Steve, We too are remembering that time with you. May I share this song with my friend who lost her baby boy a year ago next month? Our hearts are filled with love for you and Rebecca. Mom and Dad

[Bald Man]

The Peace of Christ be with you.

Cory

[Peggy Herd]

Steve,
I didn't know you or Rebecca then, but I remember the first time I heard you speak at the Alliance Church (as a guest) and someone had mentioned your loss, I remember on the one year anniversary of Nathan's birth and death, Bea Partington asking us to remember you guys in prayer.

I especially remember when Bea and Mark lost Dominic and when Nancy and Curtis had to say good-bye to their baby Erik, how much of a gift you and Rebecca were to these families. That I believe is the lagacy of your baby Nathan. Thank you for being there for my friends in ways that no one else could.

[Bonnie]

Steve and Rebecca, I remember this time well, and remember driving down to look at his little grave site again with Haleigh and Brady. So touched by your remembrances of Nathan.
With love,
Bonnie

[Kara]

Steve and Rebecca,
we treasure you.
Your Gift from God,
Nathan, we remember you.

[Shannon]

Steve and Rebecca, I remember that day as clear as yesterday. We were at Camp Imadene at our church retreat, and your dad left early to be with you and Rebecca.. I think of you guys so often. Hope you are all doing well.